My favorite photo of my husband, 2005.
My husband of 12 1/2 years died on September 29, 2008 after 5 1/2 months in the hospital. We had known each other for 16 years. It has now been just over three months since he permanently left his body. I miss him so much! And I’m often taken by surprise by the things that trigger my tears, and those that don’t. I haven’t actually screamed myself voiceless since the week of his death, but I’ve certainly cried, a lot.
After three months I’m just beginning to to get flickers of feeling like I may be able to find myself again after this awful past year. Actually, I’m discovering that “finding myself” is a much bigger project that I ever imagined it would be in the face of my husband’s absence. It isn’t just about the mundane challenge we all face of figuring out who I am, the search that so many of us are engaged in. I’m finding that every point of discovery is layered with the additional question of “How much/what part of this is really me and how much of it is my husband and/or compromises and accomodations that I made for him out of deep love?” I wonder how long it will take before I stop asking this question? I wonder how long it will be before I stop feeling married? How long will it be before it doesn’t feel wrong to have my wedding off for more than an hour or so?
In the midst of the trauma of his illness and his death I have also found some very good friends, and deep strengths within myself that I didn’t really know I had. I’ve learned a lot and had some very interesting spiritual experiences. I’d like to be able to share them. Before he went into the hospital on April 10 I had been a regular blogger. I really enjoyed not only writing about my own thoughts and experiences but also participating in the community that forms around other blogs. One of the things I want to do for myself in 2009 is begin again with this blog and the blogfriends I left hanging. Thank you all for your prayers, support, positive thoughts, and emails!
Here’s to a better, brighter 2009!
Sarah
Oh, Sarah, I’m glad to see you back! I did check occasionally, an imagined that things must be very challenging concerning your husband’s illness. You wrote about some of what that entailed. I am very, very sorry for your loss. I know you spent so much time with him where he was, and that life for you must have centered upon him. I’m pleased that you found friendship and support through it all.
Regarding some of the questions you asked in paragraph two, I think the common wisdom is that you start to feel less married after about a year. Of course the feelings never really go away, but I know for my good friend who also lost her husband at a relatively young age, she began to experience more of a sense of herself after that time.
Thanks for coming by my blog, and for letting us know you are around. You have been missed!
Hello, Sarah.
I’m sorry to read about your husband’s passing, and your grief. I hope that this journey you are on brings you unexpected joys and a renewed sense of self and life.
It is great to have you back. You were missed. I am teribly sorry about your husband. I can’t imagine what it must be like. My hubsand is such a half of my whole – the common decisions that must now be made simple as what to eat for dinner with no more considerations of what is his favorite dish or I can’t make that because he doesn’t like yadda yadda. Wow. Even that would suck. Remember though that you are a strong woman and you are getting through this and yes 2009 will be a better year for you and please don’t put time connotations on grief or feelings of being married. Take however long you need and if people have issues with it then that is their issue not yours but at the same time, you can’t hold on too tightly.
With thoughts and prayers,
M.
Sarah, big hugs. So glad you are back here. Sending you so much hugs and support for the physical loss of your husband. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I wish you every bit of support the Universe can give you right now.
Hugs to you Sarah. . . I feel your husband will always be a part of you. . . he made a profound shaping in the person you have become today. Embrace that which you want to keep him and let it florish in the spirit of your love. Take one day at a time to find what is individually you. . . but I’d bet a lot of it is interwoven into a mixture of your life with him. I shall keep you in my thoughts. . . I feel you will find comfort in that light for which you seek in time.
Blessings dearest Sarah…