It’s spring in West Texas

I know that we haven’t reached the spring equinox yet, but its spring in the Texas panhandle. I know this for three reasons: the wind, the birds, and the flowers.

The wind. In this part of Texas, on the southern end of the Great Plains we get lots of wind. A completely still day is quite a rarity. Most often breezes are between 5 and 10 mph with the occasional gust up to 20 mph. But in the spring things ramp up. It is not uncommon to have days where the average breeze is 15 mph with occasional gusts up to 40 or even 50 mph. And recently we have had several days with gusts up to 60 mph! In a year with average rainfall these blustery days are only mildly annoying. Holding on to your hat becomes the focus of any trip outdoors. But this year we are in a drought so there is nothing to prevent the wind from picking up all that dried-out soil and filling the sky with it. Skies full of red dirt are a challenge for human, animal, and car alike. Yuck! The few days like this that we have every year really make me appreciate the pioneers during the Dust Bowl.

The birds. This area of the Southern High Plains is dotted with thousands of small, shallow ponds called playas. Many of these are seasonal and come and go with the rains, but many are large enough that even though their water level varies widely during the year there is always enough water to entice water fowl and other critters to stop, rest, eat, breed, and enjoy the view. For this reason, this area is on one of the main migratory paths in the United States. It is also partly why the Great Plains is No. 1 on the 25 most important and threatened waterfowl habitats on the continent. In cities and towns in the region, city parks have been built around many of these lakes. Ok, so maybe they’re more like ponds or even large puddles than lakes, but in this semi-arid region you take what water you can get and celebrate it! I am fortunate enough to have two such parks within a mile of my home (photo above). So, every time I drive in and out of the neighborhood I get to watch the ducks, geese, gulls, herons, kites, hawks, and whatever else may be visiting.

Last week the Canadian Geese left. We always have many of these birds winter here, but there were more this year than in recent years. There were also many Snow Geese scattered through the large flocks of Canadians (photo right). I also saw my first Blue Heron and Cormorant last week; unfortunately I didn’t have my camera. The Great Blue Heron is a fairly common bird throughout most of the United States, and while it is supposed to be a year-round resident in this region I generally don’t see them during the winter months. So, for me, to see one is another sign of spring. The Double Crested Cormorant is also somewhat common, but we only see them in this area during their migration, which is usually in April and May. March is early and a definite sign of spring!

The flowers. Despite the wind and the continuing occasional bouts of cold weather (It’s snowing lightly today) the spring flowers are determinedly blooming. I have two flower beds packed full of daffodils that I look forward to every year and they began to bloom this week. I have also noticed the crabapple trees in full bloom in several places in the city. I’m happy that the other fruit trees haven’t started to bloom yet. So often they bloom in warm weather and then we get one last freeze that kills the bloom. But that doesn’t seem to bother the apple growers in the area. They seem to do quite well year after year.

So, its definitely spring! I’m so glad. Though we’ve had a fairly mild winter I’m ready for the full sun and cool breezes of spring. I’m ready for more birds and more flowers. I’m ready for change.

Passion for life

“There is no end. There is no beginning.
There is only the infinite passion for life.”
~Federico Fellini

Three random sentences can be inspirational!

I’ve been tagged for a book-related meme. Thanks Muse! ) I find this particular meme fun because its really a sort of divination. In stichomancy, one chooses a book from a shelf at random, allows it to fall open to an arbitrary page, chooses a line or passage with eyes closed, and then reads that passage for insight into the future or current issues of concern. Another form of book divination is biliomancy in which one selects a holy book like the Bible or Koran to read from. Or, you can try the 21st century version of “book” divination at facade.com, or try the “random page” function at Wikipedia!

The quotes from both MusEdition’s and RubyShooZ’s (who tagged Muse) books were quite interesting. And darn if I’m not going to have to go out and buy the book from which RubyShooZ quoted. It sounds like a real winner! In an effort to be equally interesting I tried the rules (below) on my current favorite book: The God Theory by Bernard Haisch. Unfortunately there are only 5 sentences on page 123 of this book so I had to look elsewhere for inspiration. The book I picked up next was The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav.

So, here are the rules:
1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

“We act as though we are not affected when we take and take and take. We strive for external power and in that striving create a destructive competition.
The introduction of consciousness into the cyclic process of creation through which the soul evolves permits the creation of a world that is built upon the consciousness of the soul, a world that reflects the values and perceptions and experiences of the soul.”

Oddly enough I find that these few sentences do speak to me, or at least the last sentence does. I’ve been working on manifestation and abundance issues and key to both of those is infusing our mundane world with soul to create “a world that reflects the values and perceptions and experiences of the soul.” In order to do that I need to be able to both connect with my soul’s higher vision and then creatively imagine that vision into reality. This quote is, for me, both a confirmation of my process and an encouragement to continue. Cool! Stichomany really can work!

Now, lets see what some others can do with this meme. How about… DoveLove and Ronnie?

I love a good personality test!

At the risk of having someone on the playground accuse me of being a copycat, I thought it would be fun to reproduce here the results of an online test that I took in response to a post over at MusEditions. This is based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality test that I love and have taken several times. The reason I like it so much is that it gave me a framework to begin to understand different personality types, how they differed from me and how they were the same. As an empath I’ve always been aware of how people are feeling, but I haven’t always had a strong sense of what they were thinking–why they do what they do, what motivates them, how they think. This was especially true when I was younger. So, when I learned about the MBTI I grabbed hold of it like a life-preserver in the high-sea of psychological and social patterns I often felt I was drowning in. I used it not so much for labelling people (which I did quietly in my own mind) but for learning about the different ways that people think, are motivated, solve problems, etc. It was eye-opening to say the least! Something as seemingly simple as understanding that there are more people in the world who think their way through problems than feel their way through was a profound insight for me at the time. Now, in mid-life I’m much more confident and much more adept at reading and understanding people at all levels, not just emotional. But, I still enjoy a good personality test and sharing them with others! ) So, my profile follows. What are you?

You Are An INFP

The Idealist–You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards. You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings. At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist. How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual- When other people don’t get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

What’s Your Personality Type?

Thinking about end of life exit choices

Today I read a short article in the New York Times, A Heartfelt Appeal for a Graceful Exit by Jane Brody, advocating rational suicide rather than face the pain, cost, and indignities of terminal illness.

The article is very thoughtful and personal. Brody talks about her 94-year-old former teacher asking her to help him die, which she declines encouraging him to talk with his family. She also shares how her mother made two suicide attempts during her struggle with ovarian cancer, from which she finally died. As a counterpoint to these stories Brody says,

“Modern medicine can keep people alive into their 9th and 10th decades, when in years past they would have succumbed to any number of conditions. Now a small but growing number of these people are asking why. What is the point of living so long if you can no longer enjoy living? What is the point of living until your mind turns to marshmallow and you are reduced to an existence that is less than human?…Why shouldn’t an emotionally sound, thoughtful person be able to call it quits when life has dragged on too long? When there is nothing to gain and much to lose from an ongoing existence?”

I believe that these questions are both poignant and profound. I also believe that these and similar questions need to be asked more often and more openly among families, communities, and lawmakers.

For me the issue of whether or not a rational person should have the right to choose to take their own life is similar to a woman’s right to choose abortion. There will be passionate opinions on every side of the issue but what it really comes down to is the right to choose. When making decisions about one’s own body, health, and life the only person’s opinion that matters is the individual themselves. I would never choose for myself to abort a healthy pregnancy, however I will go to the mat fighting for the right of others to choose an abortion. Similarly, I would choose rational suicide if my quality of life became intolerable, but I will fight to the death (pun intended) for others to have the freedom to choose differently. I have no more right to tell them they must than they do to tell me I must not. The point is CHOICE!

More information:
Compassion & Choices
Euthanasia and Religion
Final Exit Network
World Federation of Right to Die Societies

I miss my dog!

I used to have the most wonderfulest dog in the world. Jonah was a Golden Retriever that my husband and I adopted from the Human Society. He was the absolute essence of lovingkindness. He was gentle. He was goofy. He was not particularly bright, but he was clever and stubborn, which seemed to make up for some of the intellectual dimness. Despite his dimness he did know a few key words with absolute certainty: treat, walk, run, ride, brush, and sit. (He also knew stay, back-up, come, and no, but frequently chose to ignore them!) When he was being particularly goofy, which was often, I would call him my “dippity-doo-dog.” He was very enthusiastic about almost everything, especially going for a walk or ride or welcoming us home. But what he did best was just LOVE.

Jonah was 9-years-old when he passed on June 17, 2006 (the day the photo was taken). His body was overwhelmed by cancer and tick-fever, but his spirit was bright until the end. On the afternoon we let him go we were able to walk with him a bit and then sit with him and cuddle under a beautiful old tree in our vet’s yard before the nurse came out with the final shot. As devastated as I was by having to let him go I remember laughing out loud as I felt his spirit jump up from under the tree and romp to the edge of the yard. He was so clearly free of his pain and the weight of his sick, damaged body. He seemed to be saying “hey what happened? I feel great! …uh…what are you doing over there?” He was a little confused, but so happy! I was glad that Grandfather, a special Guide of ours, was there to help him pass over. )

It has now been more than a year and a half since Jonah left us. He has occasionally come to visit. I have felt his presence and even caught a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. I keep thinking that with time I will miss him less, that I will be able to remember him with love and joy and leave the tears behind. So, far that hasn’t happened. I still cry from missing him.

Today we went to PetsMart to get kitty litter and I stopped by the doggy daycare to watch the pups play. There was a shaggy, red colored Golden Retriever that reminded me so much of Jonah that I teared up instantly. We also stopped by the Human Society’s adoption kennels where I was able to cuddle a puppy for a few minutes, which was a bittersweet blessing. By the time I got to the check out line I had crocodile tears running down my face and I was working hard not to break out sobbing.

I MISS MY DOG!!!!

My birthday is in two weeks and I would like nothing more than to adopt a new dog. The problem is that our other pet, a 17 and a half year old cat doesn’t seem to be open to an addition to the household. We tried adopting a puppy a year ago and she was so traumatized that she wouldn’t come out of my husband’s bathroom for the entire week that the puppy was here. I want to honor her needs and her place as a loved and honored member of the family. I just wish I could figure out a way to come to an agreement with her about a new dog. She doesn’t seem to understand, or doesn’t believe, that we can arrange things so that she has her own space that is safe from the puppy and time when the puppy is outside when she can have the full run of the house. Sigh.

I know I will have the joy of several more wonderful dogs throughout my lifetime. Its just so hard to wait.

ADDITION 2/15/08: Check out this report about dealing with the death of a pet.

Having resentment

“Having resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
~Malachy McCourt

I found this quote in the header on another blog site belonging to The Anchoress. I think it’s a wonderful encapsulation of the damage we do to ourselves when we hold onto anger and resentment, when we don’t forgive.

A more subtle implication of this quote is how we remain energetically tied to people for whom we hold resentment or who we haven’t forgiven. This aspect of resentment has never made sense to me. If you’re that angry with someone it seems to me that you would want to cut ties with them not bind them closer. And this leads me to what I feel is the greater truth of forgiveness, that in the letting go we find freedom for ourselves. With the wings of that freedom we can fly away from what has been so painful. We can fill the space left by the release of the negative with all sorts of new relationships and experiences and emotions. In this way we may even be able to ultimately come back to someone who hurt us and begin again.

Thanks Malachy for the clever insight!

Malachy McCourt is an Irish-American actor and writer.

Affirmation for abundance

A blog friend, recently posted about how not to manifest abundance. As is so typical with Ronni’s posts it made me laugh, but only because I knew exactly what she was talking about and do the same things myself. One of the main points of her humorous nine-point list is about obsession. When we obsess about what we don’t have we focus all our energy on not-havingness, which leaves little to no energy for creative manifestation.

In my own experience I’ve learned that a lot of my obsession comes from a need to control, which of course comes from fear. I get caught up in trying to pin down how the universe is going to deliver abundance, when its going to come, in what form its going to come. But the more I try to pin it down the fewer options the universe has. I have to keep all options open in order to receive the most creative and joyful solutions. This is often easier for me to say than to do, so I wrote the following affirmation:

“I fully and completely release my need for control and open myself to the full measure of possibility and variety in the universe.”

When I say this I find that the part about releasing holds some anxiety for me.  But then I move into the energy of the possibility and variety and it makes me so excited and so hopeful that I’m able to let go. Of course along with the words of the affirmation is also the implicit statement of faith. If I didn’t ultimately have faith in the universe, in my Guides and Teachers, and in my higher self the affirmation would be useless. But I do have faith and I do believe in the infinite possibility and variety of the universe. With those two strengths I know I can ultimately rid myself of the fears that fuel control and allow the abundance of All That Is to flow into my life.

The tyranny of expectation

For as long as I can remember I have been tyrannized by expectations. When someone has an expectation of me, whether its as simple as expecting me to meet them for lunch or as complicated as expecting me to complete a multi-phase design project, I become anxious an begin to withdraw. Usually with the simpler expectations I can shake off the anxiety and go on with the activity. Afterall, who doesn’t like to have lunch with a friend? But when I can’t shake it off I create all sorts of trouble for myself on an unconscious level in an effort to avoid dealing with whatever the expectation is. I become irritable, I get headaches, my mental processes get fuzzy, I forget things, I find or create a variety of household chores that must be done immediately, I get depressed. In fact, I have spent much of my life in clinical depression, so much so that I have been medicated with prescription anti-depressants for almost 20 years. For the most part these medications, like Prozac, have been helpful. They don’t fix the problems but they do give me the mental/emotional resources (more of the “happy” neurotransmitter serotonin) to feel like the problems aren’t completely overwhelming. And I’m pleased to say that in the last few years I have needed only a very low dose to maintain a (mostly) stable, happy mood and not get overwhelmed and too irritable to live with.

I know that my biochemistry has not miraculously improved on its own. I have worked very hard (with the constant help and support of my husband) to understand and release the issues underlying the depression. This work that has changed and cleared my thinking, brought deep emotional understanding and release, and released copious amounts of stagnant negative energy has in turn altered my biochemistry. Now I face another issue… the tyranny of expectation.

As I said earlier this isn’t a new issue. Its like a monster that lurks in the depths of my psyche tormenting me from deep within and occasionally coming to the surface to poke its head out of its cave. When it does I wrestle with it, gathering bits and pieces of information about what created it and how to keep it from overwhelming my life before it crawls away again. Over the years I’ve learned a lot about the ways in which it torments and controls me and how it triggers my avoidance mechanisms, but I’ve never really gotten to the core of it—what created it, what truly motivates it, and how to get rid of it.

Now I’m in graduate school and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to continue. I’ve known all along that most of the anxieties about school originate with the expectation demon, but I still can’t get a firm grip on them. After the first year of grad school I did finally realize that part of the problem was that I was in the wrong program. Once I realized that the fears and anxieties about meeting the expectations of that particular course of study were quite legitimate I was able to relax some, change degree plans, and start again. But other seemingly free floating anxieties remain and are getting worse.

One thing I realized in the last week or so is that part of the expectation anxiety seems to relate to a fear of being exposed as a fraud. Please understand that there is no logical basis for this. There is no place in which I have misrepresented myself, no person to whom I have promised more than I can deliver. In fact I have learned to be quite careful about making promises by always giving myself a way out (e.g. “I’d love to meet you for lunch on Friday. I’ll call you on Thursday to confirm.” or “I will definitely get this jewelry repaired for you, but it may take me several weeks to get it back to you.”) So, I have to conclude that this is a fear that I’ve carried with me from another life. I also conclude that the reason this fear remains so overwhelming is that the circumstances generating the fear must have been dramatic and terrifying.

When I was talking with my husband about all this earlier this evening I was trying to find a way to convey to him the intensity of the fear of being found out as a fraud. So, I made up a story. I said it would be like being a painter who could do nice, competent work and made a modest but happy living selling pretty paintings to local housewives and small business men. Then out of nowhere he finds that some enterprising fellow has sold him, for a comfortable commission, as the next great painting genius to the Pope. Before he knows it the poor fellow is hailed as the next coming of Michaelangelo and expectations for his next works soar. The problem, of course, is that he has neither the genius nor the talent to meet these expectations, despite his very best most sincere efforts. Before he knows what’s happened he is brought up on charges of fraud, publicly denounced as the worst sort of charlatan, and publicly and violently executed.

Is this a story from a past life? My husband and I have often uncovered past lives through similar sorts of story telling. What is so interesting about this story is not the events I described, but the visceral response I had to them. As I was telling the story my stomach began churning and my heart started pounding. Clearly there is truth for me in the emotional content—being happy doing your own thing in your own small way, having someone else tell you that your own small thing isn’t good enough and you must reach higher and do more, failing to meet others’ expectations in an arena in which you never wanted to perform in the first place, being judged by other peoples’ values and expectations and ending up horribly damaged as a result.

Such a seemingly simple little story and yet there is a lot to think about here.

I’m sure there will be much more on the tyranny of expectation later.

Exploring the multidimensional me

One of the things I’ve been working on lately is becoming more aware of my multidimensional nature. This is something I’ve had intellectual awareness of, maybe even some heart awareness of, for a long time. But I’d not ever stretched myself into full, conscious, experience of my multidimensional self.

One of the events that prompted me to start thinking more about this was an off-hand comment from our Guides during a channeling session several months ago. I had asked for help for some issue I was clearing at the time. They said, “Sure we’ll be glad to help. There are also those who would like to help you become more in tune with your multidimensional self.” Huh. Ok, that’d be cool.  So, since then I’ve been sort of dipping my toe (or would that be toes) into the multidimensional waters. Mostly that has meant spending time in meditation during which I am visualizing/feeling moving my conscious awareness through the layers of my energy body then further to see what’s in the dimensions beyond that.  (Actually, I have a bit of a hard time thinking and talking about “layers” of the aura/energy body because I don’t see the aura or conceptualize it as layered. In my experience the energy body is more like an energetic mist that becomes thicker toward the center where the energy is perceived to coalesce into the third dimensional matter form that is our physical body. The layers that are described in the literature are really just delineations of convenience. There really is no boundary between your “emotional body” and your “astral body,” for instance. Although different “densities” of energy do relate to different vibrational and multidimensional states.)

On my first few meditations I can remember being struck by both the size of my energy body and how unrelated it really is to our perception of the size of things in third-dimensional reality. There’s an odd/interesting/entertaining space-warping sort of effect in which I became aware of myself as a much larger being living in a space like a doll house that was simultaneously vastly too small and perfectly sized. Related to this awareness of relative size was also a very clear experience of how my physical body is really suspended in the center (more or less) of the larger energy being that is me. For awhile I had fun playing with the energetic pathways that animate the physical body almost like a complex marionette (this was in my mind’s eye, I wasn’t actually lying on the sofa waving my arms!). Both of these experiences were quite fun and I really began to grok bits of why spirit chooses to incarnate—its remarkably entertaining!

I have more to share about these multidimensional explorations. So, look for my next few posts on multidimensional attachments, multidimensional visitors, more on merkabah’s…