1. waking up to my dog licking my face
2. cuddling with my cat in the morning after I’ve let the dog out
3. the rich aroma and wonderful jolt of that first cup of coffee
4. bright blue West Texas sky with puffy white clouds
5. going to karaoke for the first time ever and being present when my baby brother asked his girlfriend to marry him after dragging her up on stage to sing a duet (I got video!) :)
6. having someone else clean my house (thank god!!!)
8. a great massage from my good friend Penny
9. did I mention chocolate?
10. my husband’s smile and an “I love you”
What makes you happy?
Posted in general post | 7 Comments »
I keep coming to my blog and looking at the home page as if eventually a pithy, charming new post will somehow magically appear. I guess the only way that would work is if I had an alternate personality who posts when I’m not looking. I wish! :) I suppose that what it really comes down to is that I’m lonely and want some fellowship but I haven’t got the brain cells to write anything to inspire online conversation.
Husband is still in the hospital. We’re moving into week 14 with many more ahead…more dialysis, more physical therapy, more respiratory therapy, more heart monitoring. He was moved out of the ICU to a long-term acute care (LTAC) hospital about a month ago. We like the nursing staff and the environment here is less sterile than a normal hospital. It has warm colors, nice lighting, wood-look vinyl flooring, and a nice sofa/bed in the room. I’ve also been able to hang in his room some of his favorite artwork from home along with family photos and get well cards. But its still not home.
I started a summer school course last week. Even though I’m at the hospital both before and after class each weekday, its so nice to be doing something social that makes me think about something other than hospital stuff. I’m taking “Techniques in Counseling.” Since much of the class will be taken up with actually practicing techniques on each other its a real joy to be in class with many gals who I know from other classes. Anyone got any suggestions of scenarios I can use on my classmates? :)
I’ve actually got several new posts half written. Eventually I’ll get them done and hopefully inspire some conversation. In the meantime, have a great week!
Posted in about me | Tagged caregiver stress, hospital | 9 Comments »
I’ve been aware for many years that hospitals are not the most positive places to be energetically. People are there because they’re sick, hurt, or dying. Emotions like worry, fear, despair, and anger are thick in the air. Even joyful events like the birth of a child, are often rife with anxiety. The dead often remain for quite some time and negative entities attracted to the confused and distressed energies are plentiful.
When Husband entered the hospital I had this reality somewhere in my mind. I know that as I was walking the halls and riding the elevator I was thinking vaguely in some part of my mind that I needed to maintain good boundaries to keep the negative energies from affecting me. But it wasn’t until into the second week of his stay that I actually walked through a cloud of despair that clung to me like a sticky fog and I had my “Duh!” moment.
Maintaining energetic boundaries in a place as challenging as a hospital isn’t something that you can do adequately from the back of your mind. It has to be a mindful, active process. Especially for an empath! Duh!
So, ever since then I’ve been trying to maintain an active awareness of keeping energetically clear. Here are a few of the things I do to help:
- I take a few moments in my car to prepare myself. Simply sitting quietly for a few minutes and taking a few deep breaths can help to center me, to clear my head of other demands of the day, and focus my intent on my energetic integrity.
- As I walk to the building I allow the sunlight to energize me and help burn away any negativity I may be carrying with me.
- As I walk though the lobby to the elevators my “shields” go up. This isn’t as clever as imagining a set of armor going on. Its more something I just feel happening; an energy shift in my aura.
- Going up to the sixth floor is another opportunity to take a few deep breaths.
My process in dealing with Husband, the doctors and nurses, and keeping the hospital room clear are post-worth by themselves.
When I get home I play with my dog and my cat. :) They pull me out of my fear and stress and help me focus on simple joys like a walk around the block and the fun of feathered toys. Laughter is a wonderful clearing!
This is the end of Husband’s eighth week in the cardiac intensive care unit of the local medical center. I’m terrified of what the future may hold, but I remain a believer in miracles!
Posted in general post | 6 Comments »
I have been absent for quite awhile now. On April 10, just three days after my last post my husband and I went to the doctor to talk with her about his allergies and what we believed to be asthma. After listening to him describe his symptoms she said she thought the problem may be heart-related. She did an EKG in the office, checked for edema and declared that he needed to go into the hospital “right now!” for more heart tests.
Since then he has been through two angiograms, open heart surgery, abdominal surgery, acute kidney failure, infections, multiple intubations for respiratory support, general weakness, pain, and phenomenal frustration.
As of today he is still in the cardiac intensive care unit. He will eventually be moved to a long-term care hospital where he will continue to recover and receive physical therapy.
Through all of this I have missed only one day at the hospital. Often I am there twice a day for 6-10 hours total. My house needs cleaning. My laundry needs washing. My dog needs walking. But each day I get up and go no matter how frustrated, depressed, or exhausted I am. Most days I’m actually able to be pretty cheerful and upbeat. I’ve made friends with the nursing staff and plastered Husband’s room with cards, photos, and healing crystals. I quiz the doctors hard when they come in, but I also remember their names, ask about their kids, keep a positive outlook and make them do the same.
I’ve come completely unglued and cried like a baby several times.
I’ve also learned some deeply important spiritual lessons, which I will eventually share.
I read an article several days ago about the psychological benefits of blogging. It shares some of the same benefits that keeping a journal has in the sense that it is a good way to get your thoughts out. It can be both a release and a way to clarify, to understand. But, blogging has the added benefit of connecting people with a community through comments and discussions. Before all this I was just beginning to establish myself as part of a blogging community. I’ve missed it. And right now I need all the friends I can get. So, I’ll be back soon…
Posted in about me | Tagged heart, hospital, surgery | 8 Comments »
Tobeme wrote a post today asking “How Does Your Light Shine?” inspired by the lyrics of a Three Dog Night song, Shambala, followed by the questions: “Are we lighting the way? Are we radiant with love? Are we kind to all or just the ones we feel deserving our kindness? Do we look for the light in our brothers and sisters even when the ones who seem to be void of light?” In thinking about the post and the comments that followed I was most struck by the idea of radiating, rather than what we might be radiating. So, I commented:
I do think that I radiate light, even when I’m in a bad mood. No matter what emotional state I’m in or how loving (or not) I may be feeling at the moment I, and everyone else, always radiate the light of Divinity. Afterall, we are all God. What I try to do in my daily life is to keep this awareness fully conscious. The more mindfully conscious I am about my own and everyone and everything else’s Divinity the more likely I am to be patient, kind, loving, etc. with others as well as myself.
Two things came together to lead me to this answer. First was the most recent Energy Alert (March 24, 2008) in which Karen talks about our having reached an energetic milestone, long anticipated, which, in part, releases the many lightworkers who have been engaged in guiding others into expanded awareness from continuing with that responsibility. In addition to the universal implications of this release I took a more personal message that in this new energy I must finally, for sure and certain, let go of my habits of taking personal responsibility for other people’s growth and happiness. Second, was tobeme’s first question, “Are we lighting the way?”. When I first read that question I interpreted “lighting the way” as a directive to be actively engaged in drawing other people along the path (of enlightenment, awareness, growth, etc.). This annoyed me. I don’t want to be responsible for lighting anyone else’s path! I’m tired of holding up this damn light! But that irritation was good because it led me to what I think the deeper meaning of the question actually is, for me at least. Lighting the way can be, and is perhaps ultimately more powerful as a state of being rather than an action—each of us glowing from with in with the lovingkindness of our true nature, our Divinity, in such a way that our simple presence will positively influence (i.e. light the way) those around us.
May we all be fully conscious of our Divinity and in that awareness allow our light to illuminate the joy in our own lives and the lives of others so that we may all together experience the joy of being God!
Posted in about me, emotional growth, mysticism | Tagged divinity, Energy Alert, enlightenment, God, illumination, joy | 5 Comments »